Tag Archives: self-doubt

I think I can, I think I can…

14 Sep

I’m suffering from a superiority complex and I think it’s preventing me from getting a job.

For the past 5 1/2 years, I have happily taken on the role of stay-at-home mom.  Honestly, I love it and I cherish every moment I spend with my children.  However, I also have delusions of grandeur which make it extremely difficult to live on one income.  As such, I’ve accepted the fact that I will need to go back to work part-time.  I know, I know.  The horror!

Now, this won’t be the first time that I take on a part-time job.  But I am coming off a summer high, where I was able to enjoy lots of quality time with my little family and I think I’ve become spoiled!  Shush, my dear hubby, I was not already spoiled before!!

What I am getting at is, now that I will be giving up my family time for work time, I feel a little more choosy as to what I want to do.  I have set up a number of criteria regarding what my ideal job would be, and I’m starting to think that my little list is preventing me from getting any job at all. Work from home, with relatively flexible hours, and do something challenging and interesting that may eventually lead to a creative career when I am ready to return to work full-time.

When I first started to look for a job, I thought I would simply work in retail.  Perhaps a big box hardware store? Returns counter?  I know this is something I could easily do. I’ve got the experience and I’m good at it. But when I realized that I would receive minimum wage to spend every weekend arguing with grouchy customers, I thought, is this really worth my time??  So, I turned down an interview that was offered to me by one of these retailers. Except, it is at this point where I began to fear that I was getting too big for my britches.  Who did I think I was?  I would be lucky to get any job!  And we need money, fast. But wait. I have a University degree!  I’ve been praised for my job performance by many of my past superiors.  Surely I am better than “this”!  And so the internal dialogue continues…

The truth is, I find it scary to take this road.  It is very new for me.  My entire life I have been filled with self-doubt and I think I tend to aim lower, rather than higher.  It’s safer that way, of course, because I am more likely not to fail.  Psychology 101?

Now the stakes are even higher.  After all, although my other half is carrying the brunt of the financial burden, if I don’t contribute something soon, all of us will suffer.  So it’s kind of interesting that I would choose this time to decide that I want to work somewhere that fulfills more than just our monetary needs.  Especially considering how limited I am in the time that I can contribute to such a job!

Regardless, the seed has been planted in my mind.  Maybe I am better than I thought I was.  And maybe it’s okay that I don’t want to take pizza orders at 11 o’clock at night.  Then again, who the hell do I think I am??!

Ugh!!  And so it goes…