Archive | September, 2010

Time

21 Sep

Not to sound overly dramatic, but lately I have become overly aware of the weight of time. I feel like I’m running out of it. Don’t get me wrong – I am not making any morbid predictions about my future (touch wood!) – it’s just that there are still so many things I’d like to accomplish and I wonder where I can find the time…

It’s really such a cliche. When I was a teenager, the adults around me laughed at my bravado. I acted like I would live forever and they would give me that knowing, nay, patronizing look… They knew better.
In my 20’s, life was a flurry of discoveries and I experienced every high and low with passion and excitement. I met the love of my life and I formed a strong bond with friends who remain close to me today. I was full of ideas and the possibilities seemed endless. There were so many things I would do!! Meh. Tomorrow.

All those ideas…ideas that were achievable and realistic…I put them aside “for another day”. I did not pursue anything wholeheartedly because there “would always be time”. Even such a simple thing as establishing a solid yoga routine or drinking more water…simple things that take no effort at all, really…I always put them off for another day. Never mind getting certified to teach ESL or re-learning piano.

I am now 36. Far from old. But then again.

I have achieved many beautiful things. I am proud of the life I have created for myself. But have I really been pro-active? I feel a kind of urgency that I can’t fully explain. I want to forge ahead and make choices actively and consciously. I’m in a stage of my life where, ironically, time
is a luxury. Perhaps this is the very reason that I am realizing how I have taken it for granted.

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I think I can, I think I can…

14 Sep

I’m suffering from a superiority complex and I think it’s preventing me from getting a job.

For the past 5 1/2 years, I have happily taken on the role of stay-at-home mom.  Honestly, I love it and I cherish every moment I spend with my children.  However, I also have delusions of grandeur which make it extremely difficult to live on one income.  As such, I’ve accepted the fact that I will need to go back to work part-time.  I know, I know.  The horror!

Now, this won’t be the first time that I take on a part-time job.  But I am coming off a summer high, where I was able to enjoy lots of quality time with my little family and I think I’ve become spoiled!  Shush, my dear hubby, I was not already spoiled before!!

What I am getting at is, now that I will be giving up my family time for work time, I feel a little more choosy as to what I want to do.  I have set up a number of criteria regarding what my ideal job would be, and I’m starting to think that my little list is preventing me from getting any job at all. Work from home, with relatively flexible hours, and do something challenging and interesting that may eventually lead to a creative career when I am ready to return to work full-time.

When I first started to look for a job, I thought I would simply work in retail.  Perhaps a big box hardware store? Returns counter?  I know this is something I could easily do. I’ve got the experience and I’m good at it. But when I realized that I would receive minimum wage to spend every weekend arguing with grouchy customers, I thought, is this really worth my time??  So, I turned down an interview that was offered to me by one of these retailers. Except, it is at this point where I began to fear that I was getting too big for my britches.  Who did I think I was?  I would be lucky to get any job!  And we need money, fast. But wait. I have a University degree!  I’ve been praised for my job performance by many of my past superiors.  Surely I am better than “this”!  And so the internal dialogue continues…

The truth is, I find it scary to take this road.  It is very new for me.  My entire life I have been filled with self-doubt and I think I tend to aim lower, rather than higher.  It’s safer that way, of course, because I am more likely not to fail.  Psychology 101?

Now the stakes are even higher.  After all, although my other half is carrying the brunt of the financial burden, if I don’t contribute something soon, all of us will suffer.  So it’s kind of interesting that I would choose this time to decide that I want to work somewhere that fulfills more than just our monetary needs.  Especially considering how limited I am in the time that I can contribute to such a job!

Regardless, the seed has been planted in my mind.  Maybe I am better than I thought I was.  And maybe it’s okay that I don’t want to take pizza orders at 11 o’clock at night.  Then again, who the hell do I think I am??!

Ugh!!  And so it goes…

Navel-gazing

2 Sep

I guess by now we’ve all heard some analysis of the phenomenon that is Facebook.  For me, as much as I despise it, I am completely addicted to it.  I think part of it comes from my desperate desire to never miss out on anything.  Hey, I didn’t earn the nickname “Inspectah” for nothing!  But I won’t bore you with my own, psychobabble-filled opinion of the inner-workings of Facebook.  Instead, I’d like to touch on just one aspect of it: the self-portrait.

Now, I know how stressful it can be to upload that profile picture.  I mean, it’s essentially a reflection of one’s very self.  In one picture, you must sell your image to the entire world – or at least 175 of your closest friends.  That’s a lot of pressure!  Personally, I chose to take my profile picture right after a visit to the hair salon. Good hair day = good picture, right?  It took a few tries but finally I had a photo that I was relatively happy with.  Upload!

So, as I am no stranger to vanity, I understand why a lot of profile photos (perhaps mine? egads!) might seem ridiculous.  But, honestly, people, none are more so than the one where you can actually see the person holding the camera up (you know, the arm is at that weird angle) and they are standing in the bathroom making a pouty face.  In many of the photos you can actually see towels hanging in the background.  So, essentially, what this boils down to is this: you’re getting ready in the morning, and all of a sudden you realize you’re having a good day.  You’re lookin’ kinda hot.  Bang!  Out comes the camera.  Snap!  In the past, you might spend your day hoping you bump into an ex-boyfriend so you can rub in his face how great you look.  But no need for that now.  Your “perfect” image has been immortalized!

My favourite addition to this photo, though, is the comment “Bad photo, but I was bored”.  Riiiiiiight.  You have taken the time to snap a picture of yourself and post it for the world to see because you thought you were looking bad.  Of course.  Unfortunately, this absurdity is often followed by comments from friends “You look so good!”.  To which the photo-taker will reply “Omg, no I don’t.  You do!”  And so it goes.  I know, I know, maybe I should stop judging my 12-year-old Facebook friends. The thing is, whereas in the past one’s stupid conversations would happen, pass and disappear into memory, now they are etched into Internet stone.

I was recently thinking about a Greek & Roman Mythology class I took in University.  Yes, I was one of those. The professor would remind us that many of the myths represented how the Greeks and Romans felt about immortality.  It was of utmost importance that one’s name would go down in history and you would not die as an unknown.  A hero would often reveal his name to an enemy, risk his life, only so that he would be known! Life itself meant nothing compared to being remembered.

I guess some things never change.