From cynic to believer

23 Aug

I fear that I’m becoming a cynic, and I need to stop it.  I’m pretty much angry at the world all the time.  This is exacerbated by my daily dealings with various bureaucracies, such as Enbridge or Sears or  Bell… it seems that they are intent on making a perfectly sane person lose their mind.  However, I think it goes deeper that this.  Yes, being put through the various levels of the Enbridge telephone system is absolutely enraging and nearly made me smash my phone against the wall.  But, I digress.

When I think about my life, I feel absolutely blessed in every way.  I have a beautiful family  (a wicked husband and awesome kids!), great friends that stand by me and share my values, a home that I complain about but am still happy to return to every night and I’m generally healthy and well.  This is when I would like to request you all to knock on wood, turn three times and spit or put up the hand gesture that protects against the “malocchio”, please!!! Despite all these blessings, though, I think about the world around me and feel a quiet sense of despair.  But even worse, when I hear others speak of revolutionary ideas that will bring about change, I find myself internally rolling my eyes and nodding in agreement, while thinking “Whatever!”  As such, I am becoming my own worst nightmare.

I’m not sure where this cynicism began.  I recall as recently as 10 years ago feeling more connected to the universe, more positive about the possibilities of true change.  Reading Tarot cards and contemplating the secret messages of the stars, my friends and I would discuss for hours the idea of aliens living among us and that the Freemasons were running the world.  All this was tied directly to a strong sense of spirituality – a sense of connectedness with something greater than this Earthly existence. As the responsibilities of everyday life took over my time, though, I found myself moving further and further away from these ideas and becoming more immersed in how I would cover the next mortgage payment.  Spirituality took a back seat.

So I’m trying to be a little more conscious lately. Replace my cynicism with a sense of wonder. Be aware of the beauty of each moment. No easy feat, I assure you. I’ll keep you posted as to my progress…


5 Responses to “From cynic to believer”

  1. Michelle 23Aug10 at 19:34 #

    *sigh* I think about the sense of connectedness and spirituality that once dominated my everyday life. That was 10 years ago. Five years ago, I had this conversation with a co-worker. She was older than me, and seemingly, spiritually balanced. She said “Don’t worry. You will feel that way again, and do those things that made you feel connected, again.”. She said she had gone through a similar life change, but found her groove again.

    I don’t always feel so disconnected, but I definitely do not feel that those spiritual elements are always at the forefront for me. If anything, my child reminds me of the importance of being present and how to live in the moment.

    I often think it has something to do with all of the responsibilities I’ve acquired: more bills, fees, child, work, life partnership. But then again, some people have these daily stresses, and still manage to make spirituality a priority.

    I have a good feeling that going “back home” will cause a shift – for the better – in me. 🙂

    journey, journey, journey…

    • Snigs 28Aug10 at 13:28 #

      From the very little time I spent there, I definitely believe your upcoming trip will be a beautiful one, full of spiritual awakenings. It’s a magical place!

    • Debbie 03Sep10 at 22:10 #

      @ Michelle – I always feel the same when I go “back home”. The residual effect lasts at least a few weeks before I’m sucked back into Babylonian life. Those few weeks are always spent plotting how I will make a transition (or reckless jump) to island life and spiritual contentment:-)I guess the point is to find that spiritual connection in spite of geographical state.

      @ Snigs – I find the more disconnected I am, the happier I am. No cell phone plan, no cable, no car, no mortgage, etc. And nowadays, I think about change on less of a grand scale and more on an individual scale – I’m not gonna singlehandedly change the advertising world as we know it, and politics will always be politics – but I can definitely affect the way my family and i interact with the world around us. I don’t think it’s cynicism, just realism.

  2. AlvaREZ 27Aug10 at 23:40 #

    Yes. I hear you purveyor of Virgo science. I, too, feel that I am more cynical now than I was in my early 20s. I can say that for me personally it has been because my spirit has suffered some real situations which have shattered my faith somewhat. However, I must say, that lately (as in the last year or so) I have been feeling more willing to dig deeper and see if there is more to be discovered in a certain situation. You know perhaps there are multiple parallel universes and we are able to transverse time and space in a matter of well i guess seconds (if measuring time is necessary when traversing time)..I don’t think we need to always follow the paths laid out in front of us. We can go all terrain on this motherfucker (by motherfucker, I mean lifetime). I think it starts with the simplest of tasks such as starting a blog, or telling the coffee lady how you really feel. That is where the ‘change’ will occur. Thanks for starting the Revolution Virgo!

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